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this time in my life

At this point in my life i am trying to lose weight. It will be hard and I know this. I have been lazy and not working out like I did in high school. I don’t know how to stick to a workout regimine, but what I do know how to do is how to have someone help me stick to my workout regimine. Now I know that this will be a difficult task to do. I know that the road to healthier weight and body will be a long one. I guess what i don’t know is how I am going to get there.

I used to work hard in school during gym and physical education. I loved how hard my teacher would push me to finish a set of pushups in 1 minute. Yet I can’t even push myself that hard and it’s frankly scaring me. I don’t want to be the one that is fat while I have skinny children because their father pushed them and not me to be healthy because he thought I was a lost cause. Now is the time to be working out. Now is the time to be a healthier person for my future children and for me.

No matter what I do in life I am hoping that I can deal with anything that life throws at me. I have never been one for giving up. Although I have been one for forgeting things in life. It’s just that right now i feel like a loser and my whole family tells me that I’m not a loser but I still feel like one right now. My family doesn’t quite understand how it’s so hard right now to be me and fat and lazy. I’m not the kind of person most people wopuld think about wanting to get fit and healthy. not a lot of people like me would want to. I had been prediabetic and now that’s all cleared up. now all I want to do is get into better shape. I don’t just want to lose the weight i want to go from a size 12 to a size 6. I want to take my waist down to half the size it is now.

so for now I will be working out when I can and doing the best that i can to lose the weight naturally.

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The one thing…

The one thing that i have given up on multiple times is my writing. I can’t stand to give up on it but when the depressive wave actually hits me the hardest I give up writing. It becomes too much to do. I don’t know what causes me to just give up on my dreams of becoming a great writer in the mental health community but it does. I have given up writing books and blogs. I have given up writing up writing poems and songs. It makes me the happiest to be around my family and writing. I have never wanted to give up on writing but every now and then I do give it up. I  hate giving it up but as you saw there had been a few weeks where I didn’t post anything here.

I had given up writing. I had thought that it was the end of me and that i was going to write on last thing to my husband and then end it all. I couldn’t take being depressed again. i coudn’t take the self-loathing, self-hating, self-depleating, or the pure unwant to do anything. You see the thing is I am a trooper. I can’t say it any better. I have been a resilient person since I was a little girl. I was raped at a young age twice. I never told my family until I was 16. I hid that deep secret for 11 years.

Although no matter what people say I will never let the people that did that to me to live it down. I may have forgiven them but I did it for me. I will never forgive them for them it’s too hard to do that. with this I end here for now.

The past day

Trigger Warning

Today I was thinking about how life is so short and how i have on many occasions in my younger years thought about suicide. things seemed to be really hard then.I thought that I had everything figured out. I thought that my family and friends wouldn’t miss me and yes sometimes i do think that still but i have learned that things aren’t like that. I have been thinking that things are just going to get harder and harder. yet when things get hard i just make things harder for life. no matter what i do i still think that i will have things under control.

no matter what I do now with the new medication it keeps me even keel. I don’t feel the need to think about suicide. My family and friends also help to keep me even keel but I do most of the work with DBT and medication. i keep things about as stable as i can be. Although i have been a little absent some of you have seen me on a collaborative blog. in fact the ones that have have known about my struggle and the head way I have made in making it my prisoner and not me its prisoner. I have been its prisoner for so long and I’m tired of it. i can’t be its prisoner any longer. it’s been a long hard road to this point.

I can’t keep things in check all the time but most of the time I can. the times that i can’t is when i’m silently judging people or freaking out at home or just having negative systematic issues in my head and i’m just silent the whole time i’m around people. I can’t keep having these issues around my mental health. i have a coworker that knows a little bit about what is happening with me because i trust her enough to tell her that. my boss knows about what is going on. i love my husband and he helps to keep me at an even keel.

Coffee Thoughts #1

Today while I was drinking my coffee I was thinking about how far I’ve come since I was 16. I used to become very violent at random times during the day. Now I just get violent when things have become too much for me to handle at home. ALthought I have learned to notice it before it becomes a problem. No matter what I do though things tend to become a bit hairy at points. I don’t have as many panic attacks anymore. My anxiety is more or less under control. Plus I’ve grown as a person. I was never really an outgoing person. I just tend to follow my favorite person around, because I’m afraid to be alone. When I i think about the year i was 16 a lot of stuff happened comes to mind. I told my mom that i wa raped. I was handed the keys to a car that was never put in my name. I dumped a guy. I had decided to move in with my dad, but didn’t actually do it till i was 17.

No matter what had happened though I became a stonger person and more able to handle the world around me. I had become smarter than to trust a family member. I learned not to trust my little brother. Although through all of this I was expecting to become a spokeswoman for the mental health community and travel the world. No one told me to not have big dreams. Although IF any of you know me outside of this blog then you know my other dream was to become a psychologist. No I haven’t given up on that dream i just want to study things about horses first. I plan on going to meredith manor this fall.

My parents divorced when i was 5. That was when things went down hill. My parents both turned to destructive vices. They never truly accepted me for who i was. Plus, now that i think about it my dad never will. My mom mostly has accpeted me for who I am , i have a husband, his family, and my dogs who accept me for me. I’ve had friends over the years come and go. I’ve had a few stay by my side even through me leaving them countless times. Little have i realized theat I really needed them. There are days that I go without talking to anyone and all I do is sit and listen to the world around and inside me. I can’t help it I just feel the need to listen sometimes. Now I just look around and imagine things from someone else’s perspective.

thanks for listening,

Bri

When I Was Not Enough: Death of A Friendship

The Bipolar Writer Mental Health Blog

Seeing a friendship that was once vibrant with life and laughter die in front of your eyes can be a sad sight. As it takes its final breath, I have to remind myself that it could not be saved.

This friend tried to control me and when I did not do as she demanded, she would get angry with me. Looking back, I now see that I was not enough in her eyes and I’m alright with that.

My former friend and I were best friends since 2013 when we were roommates in university. I felt like I could tell her anything, that she would always be my right-hand woman on Team Megan.

Until 2016.

From then on our friendship began to die.

She did not approve of the man I started dating that year which brought distance between us. After my now ex-boyfriend left for Army basic training, she…

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Mom

Mom,

       I know that living with me couldn’t have been easy. I know I was a difficult child to grow-up with let alone raise. I know with everything going on in your life you really hadn’t the time you wished you had to spend with me. I know that you had no idea that you second husband was a child rapist. Although when you found out you tried to get him into prison for a longer sentence and I appreciate it. I just wish that i had told you sooner what had happened, because then maybe you could’ve done something to prevent this from happening to another girl.

         I never told you or bob this but the asshole would follow me when he found out that I told. he would follow me to school and wait. then, when I left he would try to follow me home. the reason I never told anyone anyone is I thought he would go after you and Robert and I was so afraid of that happening. I didn’t want anything to happen to you or Robert. I don’t know what I would do with myself if something happened to you and I couldn’t prevent it. I really wish that things had been better between us when I was growing up. I missed a lot of mother-daughter things with you growing up. I feel like I have failed you a lot throughout my life. I feel like by dropping out of school I failed you big time. I don’t want to be your loser daughter.

            I hope that through all of my struggles growing up and now that you can forgive me. I know that I’ve wronged you in someway. I believe that by failing academically that it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I miss you and love you.

love,

Bri

to my family

to my family, 

you’ve seriously taken me to the darkest places of my life when i was younger. you’ve tried to kill me by choking me, asking me to kill you, or saying i hate you.  no matter what i did i could never make you happy. you always wanted me to be perfect and have everything done right the first time. i always love and worried about you. you drank excessively, drove around angry, or even tried drugs at a young age. i could never hae made you happy. you never thought i was enough. you always put pressure on me to get straight a’s. 

i don’t understand why you did what you did. to be honest i never want to because the my heart will be broken. i always thought that if i knew why you did what you did that i would understand your though process. although understanding your thought processs behind making me do all of the house work and putting me under great deals of pressure.

no matter how hard you tried to keep me down i kept getting up. you thought you could keep me down. while i kept getting up o learned a few things in the process. those few things are don’t trust a family member to ever bring you up out of your darkest places, don’t let anyone bring you down. keep your head above water to breath, and don’t stop getting back up. due to you consistently bringing me to my darkest places i’ve seen the ugly side to humanity.

sincerely,

bri

BPD and the favorite person

many of us with BPD have a favorite person (fp). we idolize and devalue this person many times over. to help you as the FP but also the bpd person i’m here to shed some light on the subject of fp’s. the fp can be anyone. my fps are my nana, papa, and fiance. i wasn’t expecting them to become my favorite people. i love them to death and would do anything for them. there are a few things that the favorite person should know; we are very much capable of jealousy, we need boundaries, we need us time, and we need personal time.

the jealousy of a person suffering  from  BPD is like being infuriated. this is due to us feeling so strongly that we tend to lash out in jealousy induced rages. this can happen whenever you are going out with someone that isn’t us. if we are your significant other this can happen a lot if you hang out with friends or family. when we feel that you are going to leave us for someone else we will get jealous of them and lash out at you. please remember that htis is our disorder talking. we wnat to spend time with you, but we also want you to spend time with your friends to recharge.

we need strict boundaries. we need to know that there are certain lines that we can’t cross. i wish i had this when i was with my parents. my parents tried to set boundaries for me but because of my diagnosis always changing they couldn’t exactly set the right boundaries for me. boundaries are super important in BPD treatment, because they help to regulate us in ways we don’t realize until the boundaries have been set and we follow them.

the us time aspect of this is time alone with you and no one else. we really want to spend  quality time with you . we would  love to watch a movie or TV show with you. some of us like to cook so we would love to cook with you. we need to spend some sort of quality time with our favorite person. we also need some personal time; just like you we need time to recharge. we need a little time to ourselves to do some self care. you will also benefit from this, because you need time to recharge and to do some self care.

as much as we love and need you to stay in our lives, we also tend to push you out of our lives. if you see this happening just remember that we do in fact love you. we don’t mean to push you out of our lives but we get too clingy and push you away because of our rage, jealousy, constant need for approval and reassurance. we love you and want you stay for as long as you can stand. we love that you are here to support us in every way possible.

What is borderline personality disorder?

Today we are going to talk about BPD or borderline personality disorder.this disorder is often misunderstood by the media and most people.BPD is considered to be the most stubborn to change disorder, because the families of a patients with BPD will turn their backs on the patient as soon as they start to get better.let’s dive into what BPD actually is that I’ll give you my thoughts on why the family would turn their back on the patient. PPD is characterized by difficulties in Emotion regulation. What does that mean?well that means that the emotions I feel our intents and can last for long periods of time. That also means that takes them longer to return to a stable Base Line.discounted impulsivity stormy relationships poor self-image intense emotional reactions to stressors.while cutting can be seen in patients with this disorder as well as other forms of self-harm is due to difficulties in self-regulation. Is estimated that 1.6% although could be as high as 5.9% of the US population has this disorder within that percentage of the adult of the adult population of about 75% of adults.

some symptoms of this disorder afraid to efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; unstable relationships that alternate between idealization and devaluation; distorted and unstable self-image which affects, moods, of values, opinions, goals and relationships. Some other symptoms include impulsive behaviors that can have dangerous outcomes; self-harming behaviors include suicidal threats; periods of intense depressed mood irritability or anxiety last a few hours to a few days. Other symptoms are chronic feelings of water more emptiness; inappropriate, intense, or uncontrollable anger; dissociative feelings-disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity.

causes for BPD are understood fully but genetics environmental factors and brain function are suspected to blame. How do you diagnose BPD?a mental health professional will have a clinical interview with a suspected patient. Treatment with Psychotherapy and medications.

I believe the reason why the family turn on the BPD patient is because they turn the patient into the black sheep of the family. What this means is that they put all the blame from the family problems on to the patient with BPD because it is easier for them to blame that person then to take blame themselves.

Schizophrenia vs. Schizoaffective bipolar vs. Bipolar

Hello, today I’m going to talk about the two aspects of schizoaffective bipolar and the disorder itself. You see schizoaffective bipolar is actually schizophrenia and bipolar. Even though you want to say that’s not those two disorders it is. Well I research this topic I thought the same thing.I did think that schizoaffective was schizophrenia and bipolar.well I was told that I had this disorder I was afraid that it meant that I was crazy or psychotic.I didn’t want the title of being psychotic or crazy but the more I looked into the disorder the more it made sense to me.

schizophrenia is characterized by chronic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.those with it may seem as though they have lost touch with reality without the proper medication. There are positive and negative symptoms that are associated with this disorder. Positive symptoms include hallucinations, delusions, thought disorders, and movement disorders.negative symptoms include a flat affect (reduce an expression of sentiments facial expression or in their tone of voice), reduced feelings of pleasure, and everyday life there is difficulty in beginning and sustaining activities, there’s a reduction in speaking.there’s also cognitive sometimes these symptoms. include a poor bility to understand information and use it to make decisions Focus issues and attention problems with using information directly after learning it. Psychologist have known for a while that the disorder runs in family sometimes.some weird about the disorder don’t have a family member who has It While others do.psychiatrist also think that there are environmental factors to consider and are important in the development of the disorder on an individual basis like virus exposure, complications during birth, malnutrition before birth, and psychosocial factors.

you also have medical scientist that believe in an improper balance in the complex brain chemistry is involved related chemical reactions involving the neurotransmitters of the brain. Current treatments for this disorder are antipsychotics, and psychosocial treatments, and coordinated Specialty Care.if you have a loved one with this disorder get them into treatment encourage them to stick with it keep in mind that the beliefs and/or hallucinations seem very real to them.please be supported respectful and kind while protecting them from dangerous or inappropriate behaviors.

Schizoaffective disorder is characterized most of the symptoms of schizophrenia. Although it is also characters with symptoms of a mood disorder. Mini choppers of the disorder are misdiagnosed as the mood disorder like bipolar or schizophrenia due to the fact that it share symptoms of both disorders. This disorder is diagnosed in about 0.3% of the population. At the rate it’s diagnosed men and women suffer or live fully at the same rate as the although it develops an earlier age often in men.substance use disorders are in a seriously seriously jeopardizing treatment and must have an integrated treatment plan as well. The symptoms must be monitored closely because they can be severe.symptoms are hallucinations delusions disorganized thinking depressed would if it’s depressive type manic behavior if it’s bipolar type.

causes of this disorder of unknown but a combination of causes will possibly contribute though.you have genetics brain chemistry and structure stress as well as drug use they all contribute to the disorder occurring and develops within a person.to be diagnosed with this disorder you must have a period of time with symptoms of a mood disorder or present with symptoms of schizophrenia.you need to have delusions or hallucinations without a major mood episode for two weeks. The abuse of drugs or medication are not responsible for the symptoms.the treatment of this disorder is the medication and Psychotherapy.

Bipolar disorder also known as manic depressive is a disorder that is characterized by unusual shifts emitted energy the ability to carry out daily tasks and activity levels. There are four fundamental types of bipolar disorder. All four types of clear and concise changes in energy mood and activity levels.the ranges of moods are from. Of Manticore extremely up energized and lated behavior to depressive or very down sad or hopeless periods.bipolar 1 is characterized by manic episodes that last 7 days or by such severe manic episode that the suffering needs immediate hospitalization.it is also characterized by depressive episodes that last 2 weeks or more.Having Manic and depressive symptoms together also possible. Bipolar 2 is characterized by hypo Manic and depressive. Cyclothymia (cyclothymic disorder) characterized by numerous. That helped America and depressive episodes last 1 year in children and adolescents and two years in adults. What are specified and unspecified bipolar and Related Disorders is defined by bipolar symptoms that don’t match the three categories already talked about.bipolar patients experience times of unusually intense feelings, sleep patterns change, activity levels change, and behaviors become unusual. These distinct times are called mood episodes. Is episodes are dramatically different from the patient’s usual moods and behaviors.

Sometimes the Moon episodes include symptoms of both depressive and manic episodes. This is called a mixed feature episode.when will swings are less extreme bipolar can be present.an example of this is some with bipolar experience hypomania a less extreme version of mania.during hypomanic episode the individual may feel very well, function pretty well, and be highly productive.patient may not feel anything is wrong, although friends and family recognize the mood swings and/or changes and activity levels as possibly being bipolar.the diagnosis of the disorder is a bit harder than two people only seeking help when they’re depressed and not when they’re manic or hypomanic.the day goes and dr. Will need to look at Medical Records to Royal any other explanations for the Mania and depressive episodes, but also true up major depression.psychologist believed that fun function and structure, genetics, and a family history of the disorder are likely risk factors. Treatment of the disorder is most likely to be taken is medications and Psychotherapy.

Am I schizoaffective bipolar I have found the DBT is rather helpful.DBT is a series of modules that take you step-by-step through the practice of mindfulness and wise mind. Although it was designed for my other disorder borderline personality disorder (bpd). I have found it to be helpful in managing my symptoms of my schizoaffective. I’ve been doing DBT for 1 year and 9 months.

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